I have an amazing memory with vivid detail that I rarely verbalize, because it scares people. I can see clips in my mind of memories from pre-school as clearly as if they happened 5 minutes ago. I used to think everyone had a memory like this, but as I have aged and met different experiences and different people, I do not really think that anymore. I say all that to preface this article as I drag you back in time with me.
I am a planner. I always have a plan, even if I say I do not have a plan, I have a plan. I just may not be ready to explain it to you yet. This has been true of me for as long as I can remember. (And I have a good memory, remember?) When I was 6 years old, I held a business meeting with my first grade friends. I explained to them I planned to attend the University of Oklahoma, live in the dorms, study to become a teacher, and have them as my roommates. I knew how we would decorate, the layout of the rooms (my imagined layout), and where I would do my homework. They were totally on board, as I knew they would be. I had a way with words and people, and my peers did what I said to do. (I was a bossy little poot.)
At 10, I prayed diligently for twins when I have children (still slightly concerned God will give me that). I was this age when I decided I would marry a man of God no matter what, have 4-5 babies, be a stay at home mom, and homeschool my children. I have to say, 10 year old me knew what 24 year old me would like.
At 12, I had obeyed the gospel and heard of Freed Hardeman University for the first time. The day I learned of this school, I decided to go there. I knew exactly what I wanted. I still wanted to be a teacher, I still envisioned my dorm layout and homework spot, and now I envisioned the vast number of Christians I would spend my days with. Nothing would stop me on my voyage to attending this beautiful school with amazing Godly people. Except OHLAP and being part of the lower middle class.
At 16 I still planned to attend Freed Hardeman, but I changed my path to Dentistry (after breaking my teeth and my sister knocking out one of hers). I wanted nothing more than to get married and have babies, but I knew my parents would skin me if I did not get a degree. So, a degree was in the plan. However, I never spoke of my whole plan, which was to get a degree to please them and have babies immediately after graduation. That way I could just stay at home with them and never put my degree to use. Brilliant.
Eighteen. At 18 I had it all figured out, again. I knew I could not attend Freed Hardeman, so I attended Southeastern Oklahoma State University now pursuing a degree in dental hygiene (to appease my parents) and a life of motherhood. I was on the hunt for a husband. I would be married by 20, have my first baby by 22 and my last baby at 28. I think God may have actually laughed.
At 20, I was talking marriage with the man I was dating. Our plans were different. No good.
At 21, I finally decided to become a teacher like I had wanted to all along. I would marry a coach and teach at the same school. It would be fantastic. I still could marry around 22 or 23 and not be too old. I could have a baby by 24 and still have my last at 28. Que more laughter.
At 22, I was unmarried, single, no kids, and no degree or career. My life felt like the crumbs at the bottom of the box of cereal. I cried a lot that year. It felt as though God had either given up on me or forgotten about me. I still sought a husband and figured I still had time to be married by at least 24 and have a couple babies by 28.
24. Today. I have dreams. I have brand new dreams that excite me. I dream of mission work, traveling, jumping out of airplanes for fun, and teaching kiddos. I would still love to marry and have babies of my own, but I no longer form my plans around it. I still make decisions that would be beneficial for married life 10 years from now, but I do not live every day expecting a man to sweep me off my feet. I live every day for God and pray for Him to do as He sees fit in my life. I have plans to run farther than I have ever ran, walk in cities I have only seen in pictures, worship alongside brand new brothers and sisters, learn from older and wiser Christian women, and use every day to be an evangelist. I have my degree, my job, no husband, no kids, and my dreams are new and exciting. They probably will look different in 3 years, but for now, I will walk with faith and keep on trucking.
Sincerely,
Miss
