"Miss, you got yourself a boyfriend?"
"Miss, you married?"
"So, have you been on a date lately?"
"When are you going to find a boyfriend and settle down?" (as if I am a wild 24 year old woman)
I have learned to deflect these types of questions like a professional question deflector. Like, if it were a job I would be a rich single lady. I used to resent not having a boyfriend and searched desperately to find a husband. It was my goal in life. Get married. Have babies. Raise a family. I was so saddened by the fact that I wasn't married by age 20, then 21, then 22, and oh my word now I'm 24 and still not married?! I'm practically a spinster now.
The difference between today and three years ago? I finally began to find worth in myself. I realized I am a pretty great human being and do not need the validation from any man. I'm not saying that is why people get married. If I get married one day, that isn't why I'll be getting married. But had I found someone to marry at age 21 or any of the surrounding ages, I would have been getting married for validation. I was seeking love for myself from an outside source. It was pathetic and heart breaking. I craved for a man to want to hold my hand and only my hand. I wanted desperately to start a life with a man and have him believe I am beautiful and worthy, because I sure didn't think those things about myself. The problem with this is that he could have never done those things for me and it be enough. I would have still be searching for a way to feel good about myself. I ultimately needed to love myself, and I hadn't conquered that yet.
I'm not sure, exactly, when I began to see my worth and value myself, but oh I am so thankful I finally did. I have suffered from multiple eating disorders throughout my life, anxiety, and severe depression. Suffering with these pretty much became a full time job during several years in my life and I had no time to love myself. I resented myself, quite frankly. I do know that my love for myself was coupled by the love for my God. The more I strove to please and love Him, the more my love grew for myself. I finally came to the realization that God made me, and when I hate on myself and my body (body shaming was my worst problem) I am hating on God's creation. How hateful of me.
I came to the conclusion that I am pretty cool. Like, in a weird, dorky, awkard way. Okay, maybe not cool. But I am someone worth knowing. I make it my goal to leave each person I encounter better and happier than when we met. I say what I'm thinking and am quite blunt, but I am not mean. I work hard to not hurt anyone's feelings, but I also work hard to be honest and open with the people around me. I have weird quirks, like disliking holidays. But I make holidays incredibly enjoyable for the people that love them. I have no sense of style and rarely wear makeup. My fingernails are currently painted bright pink (I thought my kiddos would appreciate that) and it's chipping off all over the place. I haven't shaved my legs in who knows how long, and I have a messy room. I'm talking "where is the floor in this place" kind of messy. I love adventures and trying new food. I LOVE to laugh, but I love even more when I can make my loved ones laugh.
The point is, I may be a single woman, but I am more in love with my life and myself than I have ever been. I enjoy taking myself on dates. Have you ever taken yourself to a movie? It's actually quite great. I enjoy long runs with my dog and attempting to cook (seriously the worst cook in the world). I like it. I love being a single woman. I love trying new things with different friends. I have different friends that enjoy different activities, and I experience different things with each one. I LOVE my 120 7th graders. I am currently trying to type this while one of my favorite students is standing right beside me annoying me by tearing apart a pencil he borrowed from me. Punk. Luckily, he hates to read, so I don't have to worry about him reading over my shoulder and figuring out he is one of my favorites or that I even have favorites. I sincerely enjoy being single. My life is being lived to the fullest right now, and I have no desire to add a man to the mix. Maybe one day in the future. Maybe, but I don't know. As for now, I will ROCK the single life, serve God, and continue to deflect the questions.
Sincerely,
Miss
