A dear friend of mine recently asked me what recovery looks like for me. How do I feel during it. How do I know I am recovering. To say I was stumped at her questions would be an understatement. To be honest, I was not sure if I actually knew. I had never put into words or really even put much thought into what recovery was for me. After I pondered this thought a while, I came to the conclusion recovery is simply when I decide I want to be better. Every day is different. Some days really and truly still suck the life out of me. I still have days where I feel the world is too small and my bed too safe to leave. I still have days I cannot walk into walmart alone or find the motivation to put makeup on my face. Those days, however silly they may seem, are red flag days.
I know recovery is a choice I have to make every single day. I know that I cannot be in recovery if I do not choose to be. It requires active participation from me. And I know that recovery is coupled by both good days and bad. Some days, my active participation is literally getting up long enough to put food and water in my body then going back to bed. Some days are horrible. But some days are amazing.
I know I am on the road to recovery and doing better when I find myself singing to the radio in my car rather than sitting in a void of darkness and nothing. I know I am on the road to recovery when I WANT to curl my hair and fix my makeup. I know I am on the road to recovery when going for a run with my dog isn't a daunting task. I know I am on the road to recovery when I can see clearly. I am talking CLEAR like those few moments soon after a spring shower when all the trees look crystal clear, because the water weighed down all the particles in the air. Those particles are synonymous to the depression particles that make my mind fuzzy some days. I know I am on the road to recovery when someone gives me instructions, and I am able to make sense of their words while they are speaking to me. I know I am on the road to recovery when I take care of my body rather than eating any and everything I see without regards to how it will affect me. I know I am on the road to recovery when I begin planning my future again. I know I am on the road to recovery even when none of these are happening for me, and my day is filled with impending doom.
Recovery from anything is sure to be atrocious, but I only know about my own recovery. My recovery is filled with many many many "impending doom" days. They are hard to survive, and they cause me to struggle to have hope for better days. Luckily, I have extremely supportive family and friends to help me through those days. Sometimes, those days attack me day after day for weeks on end, but I know I am in recovery. I know I am, because I am choosing everyday to recover. I have relapses often, and my doctors and I are still trying to discover the perfect medications for me. For me, though, recovery is mine, because I choose it. It is ugly and hard, but I choose it.
Sincerely,
Miss
